Thursday, August 28, 2008

If the Yankees were a corporation...

In many ways, the New York Yankees are no different than a company or corporation. They run to make a profit, their success is measured by customer satisfaction (read: championships), and they face constant competition from other, similar companies. Like any business, they must invest in capital, which will help move the company forward and achieve success. Like any business, they must evaluate the options they have before them in regards to all operational needs, and determine how they will be best suited to beat out the competition and attain the highest level of success. So one day, a great salesmen named Scott Boras walks into the office of Yankees, inc. to visit with Brian Cashman, their CEO, and informs him of an incredible copier that has just recently become available to the public.

"Not only is this copier incredible, but it is one of the best, if not the best copiers that has ever been invented. It will copy more pages in a shorter time frame than any copy machine currently on the market. The quality of its copies will be so crisp, that it will make every other copy machine look inferior in comparison. This copy machine is so amazing, that it will single handedly raise your business to the top. You will beat every competitor, because of what this copy machine will bring to your company," Boras tells Cashman. Cashman listens to Boras, and thinks about how the ability to make copies is so crucial in the industry, and how important it is to have a copier. He thinks about all Yankees, inc. could accomplish with a copier this advanced, and he asks for the price.

“Well sir, when you are getting the best, you must pay for the best. This copier is truly one of a kind, it is the only one that has ever been made. So it's going to cost more than any other copier has ever cost. But I assure you, it is the best. You are one of the few companies that has both the resources and the demand for a copier of this caliber. I promise you, Mr. Cashman, you will not regret this purchase.” Cashman looks at the numbers, and speaks with President Steinbrenner, explaining what Boras told him about how this copier performs better than any copier he has ever seen, and has the potential to copy the most pages at the highest quality in the history of copiers. And Steinbrenner has heard of this copier, and he learns that one of his biggest rivals has been pursuing this copier (remember, only one exists), so he signs on the dotted line, and the copier is his. In the first few quarters of the Fiscal Year, the copier is performing just as expected. Revenue is up, customer satisfaction is up, and the number of pages being copied is unprecedented. This copier will surely take Yankees, inc. to the top.

Then one day, the company has a very important legal document that they need 1000 copies of in a matter of minutes (don't ask why, just go with it). And this legal document will essentially shut down Yankees, inc.'s competition once all the copies are released. So Cashman grabs one of the interns, and the intern slides the piece of paper into the copier and waits for the copying to begin. The intern is excited, because he has never seen a copier this fast, and he can't wait to see how quickly it will be able to make these copies. But an error pops up on the screen. And the intern puts the paper in again, and again, an error message. So he runs and grabs Cashman, worrying that he may have been doing something wrong. So Cashman runs to the copier, follows the standard procedure, and hits START. And on this third try, the copier fails again. Time is running out, and before he knows it, it is too late, the document was not copied, and Yankees, inc. will not be able to beat out their rivals. Distraught, Cashman looks at the error screen, still not understanding why this amazing copier that was supposed to be the best ever, that the company had invested so much in, had failed him in such dire circumstances. And he sees there is a small message on the screen. And he leans in close, squints his eyes, and reads it aloud: “This is why I’m hot.”

1 comment:

Rob said...

That's seriously funny. I laughed really hard when I read that.